Useful but Not Included, Campus Job Edition
If you know me personally, you might now that I work at University of Chicago Computer Science Instructional Laboratory (CSIL). Do I like working there? Absolutely. I feel like I did well, learnt a lot, accomplished more and made CSIL better for the staff and users. I play a huge role in almost all deployments, debugging any problem and try to help everyone, even if they don’t ask for it. I became the person people depend on a lot.
Why you might ask?
Because I like CSIL. I like its people and the meaning it has. But as I was talking to a friend of mine today (who also works there), I realized that I am the person people go to when they need something. And that’s it.
A quick answer. A fix. A hand with a task. Something unstuck. I get the message, I respond fast, I do the thing.
And then the moment passes, and I am back to being invisible. It kinda feels like the Genie from Aladdin, not in ability for sure but in loneliness.
When I was talking to my friend about that, he said it is because I am not csil material. This actually dud hurt more than I thought because I know it is True.
Afterall, I am not excluded in an obvious way. No one is rude. No one is hostile. It is more like: I exist as one of the services I maintain. I get pulled into the conversation for utility, then dropped the second the utility is done.
I do not even know if this is on them or on me, which makes it harder.
Maybe they already have their people. Maybe I joined late and everyone has history. Maybe I come off too intense, or too quiet, or too something. Maybe I am imagining it. Maybe I am not. The worst part is not knowing, because not knowing turns every interaction into self-doubt. And that could be because I am not csil material.
It does feel bad. I put so many hours in this place, most of my second second year in college was spent on this. Many nights were spent making sure thinks work good, better, best. I definitely have missed on a lot of things (school clubs, organization, other jobs, etc) to be the besy version of me at CSIL.
And now, about two years later, I wonder if this was all for nothing. Like sure, I learned a lot, things I otherwise would’ve not been exposed to. I learned how to work in a team, how to lead team(s), how to teach, and more from CSIL. I learned so much that I can’t imagine a version of me without CSIL. It is that deep. But I came to CSIL for the community, and it seems that I have nothing of that. I am sure after I graduate, I will not be remembered here, which makes me wonder if there is even a reason to stay.
And the thing is, I do want to belong. Not in a dramatic way. Just in a normal way: to be included in the casual moments, the dumb jokes, the small talk that is not really small talk. To feel like my presence is wanted even when I am not solving something.
Instead, I feel stuck in this role: the “ask him when you need help” person. the “ask him when you want something deployed”
It is a clean role. It is even flattering on paper. But it is lonely in practice. Because if the only time people notice you is when they need something, you start asking yourself a bad question: if I stop being useful, do I disappear?
I do not have a neat conclusion for this. I am still in it.
Right now, I am thinking of the sunk-cost fallacy which states
a cognitive bias causing people to continue an endeavor—such as a failing project, bad relationship, or poor investment—solely because of resources already invested (time, money, or effort)that cannot be recovered.
Maybe the reason I am not leaving CSIL is because I have put my second year in it, I invested too much to leave. But maybe I should.